The Mannequin

For 4 months I have been scouring the web to find an attractive male mannequin. Well, let me rephrase: a cheap, attractive, male mannequin; these are not easy to come by people. It’s been hard work but I had a vision in mind. I cannot take responsibility for this vision, but I will take full credit for my determination and ability to conquer my end goal, resulting in the best front yard Christmas display. I saw this photo about 2 years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I thought to myself, “when we buy a house, this is what I am going to do for Christmas” like that was one of my greatest motivations for buying a home. Anyways, two years ago, when I showed Matt this hilarious photo he thought it was cool and clever, but I don’t think he thought about it nearly as much as I have. Which is why in the end his lack of determination totally let me down, and I ended up taking the whole thing on myself.

Two days ago, I found him; he was affordable, good looking (great bod), and close by (I hate long distant relationships). I texted Matt at 8 am and said, “I found a male mannequin and I need you to pick him up at 6:30 PM tonight”. I guess I never really thought about it but when you haven’t been privy to the search of the male mannequin, this text may come off a bit alarming. Side Note: I had to ask Matt to pick him up because I already had dinner plans with a friend so, ya know.

 I quickly followed up with a link to the craigslist ad letting him know I wanted the skin colored one. There were two listed in the ad: a white, plastic, shiny man and a skin colored ‘normal’ man. Matt immediately wrote back, ‘We are not getting this mannequin”. Okay! So, he did remember why I actually wanted him because there weren’t any questions as to why it was just a NO. I responded by saying, ‘This is something that will really make me happy so can you please do this for me? It’s all I ever wanted for Christmas”. Crickets.  In my mind, I was kind of thinking, yeah, he will do this, I can get him to do this. No, he really wasn’t going to do this. I called him on my way to dinner begging and pleading and I think the conversation ended with, ‘Well, thanks for nothin!’ as I hung up.

So, after dinner, I drove out to a very sketchy part of town. It was around 8 PM and I pulled over when I was about 5 minutes away to send my friends a dramatic, ‘come find me in 10 minutes if I don’t reply’ video message. Of course, when you think you’re in the ghetto ‘everyone is looking at you and on some kind of drug that’s going to make them stab you from behind’ (this is what goes through my mind). I had to get cash out so I would meet the seller near his apartment by a Wells Fargo. Then I was stressing…thinking, ‘Is this guy just going to walk over carrying a skin toned mannequin? What will people think of this exchange?”. The Wells Fargo was in front of a Walmart so then I’m thinking, ‘they may not even take a second glance’. Then I thought, “Oh my god, I’m taking out cash- someone’s going to come up from behind me, stab me in the back, and take the cash and I’m never going to get the mannequin”.

 I can’t stop thinking about the guy carrying the naked mannequin through the parking lot so I text him, ‘are you just going to carry the mannequin in public?’ and he responds, “No, I’m here in the Wells Fargo parking lot in the back lot in my black Camry”. I purposely parked in the front near Walmart where there were bright lights and crack heads so I would be safe, but I reluctantly tell him I will meet him out back. I creep through the lot and find the black Camry idling, and slide up next to it. I find myself nervous, I am meeting him, my mannequin! The seller gets out and he’s nice (phew). He tells me he used to own a retail shop down the street that he closed so he has extra mannequins. He opens his back door and I see him- my mannequin- but he’s in 5 pieces and that was kind of weird. I was expecting him to be sitting there in the back seat waiting for me. Anyways, the guy shows me how to put him together and we catapult him into the back of my car over the top of the seat and his head flies off and lands on the floor. The guy shows me that the mannequins name is Ken. It actually says Ken on the back of his plastic skull.

We make the exchange and I say, ‘In case you are wondering why I am buying a mannequin it’s for a Christmas decoration’. He really didn’t care. I tried explaining Christmas vacation and all was lost; he had no idea what I was talking about. Anyhow, it would allow me to sleep a little better at night having told him, otherwise I would think that he was thinking, “what does she want with this mannequin? Meeting me at night in such a rush to get him and wondering if I am going to carry him through the parking lot”.

So, I drive home and I’m feeling bad that I just have Ken’s head up front with me while his body was laying over my back seat but such is life.

 I park and I’m thinking, ‘what is Matt going to say about this mannequin? He probably doesn’t even think I got him and that I have been sitting at dinner having multiple glasses of wine.” I see my neighbors are out in the front and I think, ‘Ok well, this is kind of embarrassing but I will walk as briskly as possible and it’s dark’. So, I pull Ken from the back and start making a B-line for the front door. I am in mid-grass lawn when I am reminded that Matt installed sensor lights (the same ones I have been begging for all year)- so whatever they go on- I’m caught- busted- found out; the neighborhood weirdo. But, the real clencher was that as soon as I startled a bit from the lights going on, Ken just started falling apart; I mean limbs all over the lawn. I am jogging now and just kicking arms and legs and I just start laughing hysterically. I’m just laughing so hard and I just drop his torso- I abandon him and just run into the house. I shut the door and peer back through the glass and see him lying there. Matt’s on the couch and I say, “I need your help’’. Of course, he’s like, “What are you doing now”? So, I run out and grab his torso and come through the house and say, “I need help with my mannequin”.

That is the gist of the story. Matt couldn’t believe I went and bought him. To quote, “I can’t believe you spent our hard-earned money on a mannequin” and, “We are not putting this creep in our front yard”.

The cat and dogs are having a hard time accepting Ken but eventually, over time…. So, you ready for the final end goal of all end goals???!!